Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
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The new Ring movie looks terrifying
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?