Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.