Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Whoa… oh I see lol
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
No, YOUR illiterate.