what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.