I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
You Might Also Like
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming