You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.