Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“We will wed,” I threatened
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic