Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
You Might Also Like
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.