“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective