When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣