BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.