painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus