Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
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PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Get off my horse you stupid moon
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.