When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
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[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
NOT all policemen are strippers.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My safe word is Worcestershire
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho