My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
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I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Cheer up.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea