If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
That’s not how days work.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!