“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
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biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
The cake is mightier than the sword.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!