Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.