My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
The Assassin.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job