My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.