These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold