Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother