On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.