I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.