Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
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Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
😆this is so true
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online