Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue