mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
You Might Also Like
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.