Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.