MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
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Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I have two kinds of followers
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]