Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
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Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
☠️☠️☠️
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”