I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
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Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
just leave it at the foot of the bed
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Steam Forums
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.