please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
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me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese