You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
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I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Wednesday
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!