The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
You Might Also Like
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.