Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice