Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME