Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Alexa: *deep breath*
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.