damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
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[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.