People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
You Might Also Like
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
#math
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.