my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.