Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Bringing home a sharpie
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
next level snooze
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL