Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Not all heroes wear capes…
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”