Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Put this video in the Louvre
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
