I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
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They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.