my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
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Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?