Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
wtf management?!
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
181.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie