You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Battery falling down a hole
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work