explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.