acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
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“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”