I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?