If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
50 shades of grey = my Liver
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime