Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!