Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
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I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
good let them take over I have had enough
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.