For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
An odd boast
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them